


King of the Rats

by FightMilk



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen, M/M, Rats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 00:29:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FightMilk/pseuds/FightMilk
Summary: Dennis has had enough rat talk... or has he?





	King of the Rats

“Charlie, enough god damn rat talk.” Dennis slammed his beer bottle down onto the bar.  
“You don’t get it, man, you’re just overlooking the facts here.”  
“And what exactly are those facts?”  
“Well the first fact is that rats are smarter than Mac and maybe even you.”  
Mac barely looked up from his porn magazine covered with an upside down newspaper that thought he was reading secretly.  
“Preposterous. A rat couldn’t even begin to comprehend something as beautiful and as complex as the DENNIS system.”  
“Oh, complex? You wanna talk about complex? You should see the tunnels they’ve got running through this place, all the holes in the walls. They’ve got a lot figured out.”  
“Well I’m pretty sure it’s those weird rat tunnels that are making the back office smell like… whatever it’s been smelling like lately.”  
“Rats don’t smell. Not before I bash them, at least.”  
“I can guarantee that those things smell even worse than you do. They have got to smell like a cigarette got put out in one of the urinals.”  
“Okay first of all, you can eat out of those urinals and you know that.” Dennis just raised his eyebrows.  
“Second of all they smell just fine. Look!” Charlie reached into one of his green coat pockets and pulled out a plump brown rat. It wriggled a bit but calmed down when Charlie held it more securely. The rat looked relaxed, even.  
Charlie smiled at the rat and gave the rat a little bounce. Dennis grimaced at how close Charlie put his face to the her.  
Dennis didn’t know what to say. On one hand he was disgusted that Charlie not only kept the rat in his jacket pocket but also that he had presented it to him so brazenly. On the other hand, he had to admire Charlie’s seeming mastery over this animal.  
“This little guy—wait,” Charlie gave the rat a good head to tail sniff. “Little lady, sorry. This little lady was the queen of the rat colony in the basement. Pretty sure they worshipped her or something.”  
Charlie went into a passionate rant about rats, something about how smart they are, and how the make friends, and how… Dennis stopped listening when Charlie put the rat on his shoulders. The rat sat for a moment, grooming herself. Then she wandered to Charlie’s other shoulder, wrapping her tail around his neck for balance. It was pretty gross, but not as gross as he thought it would be.  
Dennis looked suspiciously at the rat. The rat looked back at Dennis, quizzical and a little confused. Dennis felt frozen by her beady stare. Maybe Charlie was right, maybe these rats had a little more humanity than he gave them credit for.  
Dennis was snapped out of his eye contact with the rat when Charlie picked her up and held her over the bar so she was right in front of Dennis.  
“You gotta pet her. Feel how soft she is.”  
“I don't think so, pal.”  
“Just pet her. I’m going to hold her right here until you pet her.”  
“Jesus Christ, fine! I’ll pet the rat.”  
Dennis held his hand out nervously. He slowly placed his index finger onto the back of the rat. The rat just sniffed the air, taking in Dennis’s layers of cologne and beer. She was a lot softer than he was expecting. She kind of felt like a cat.  
Before Dennis knew it, Charlie had shoved the rat into his other hand.  
“What the hell! I don’t want to hold this!”  
“Relax, she just wants to hang out.”  
Dennis took a deep breath and tried to steady his hand that was holding the rat. He lifted her to nearly eye level and examined her little face. The wiggling whiskers and shiny black eyes were actually charming up close. He began to pet her with his free hand. The rat started to lick his thumb. It felt weird, but not gross.  
For a long thirst seconds Dennis and the rat stared into each other’s eyes. Something happened as the two made eye contact. Dennis finally understood the emotional toll that bashing rats had on Charlie.  
“Okay it may have taken nine beers,” Dennis slurred, “but you might—MIGHT have convinced me that rats are cooler than I originally thought.”  
“Yeah, man?” Charlie’s face lit up in a way it hadn’t in a while. Dennis felt his face break into a small smile that he tried to suppress.  
“Let’s go look at those rat tubes, buddy.” They walked towards the basement door, with Dennis’s arm draped across Charlie’s shoulder, leaning on him a little more than he needed to.


End file.
